1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
