I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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