also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
