explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
