Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
