just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
