as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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