I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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