Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
