i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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