I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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