Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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