i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
the day after is always just damage control
i came on her dog
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
