Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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