im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
He felt like a one man threesome
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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