apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
