where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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