The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
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