You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize