My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
