A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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