So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
