i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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