it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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