I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize