i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
