that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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