So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
no more duck duck goose at the bar
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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