we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
