Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Randomize
