Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
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