dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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