I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
