Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
