we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
