duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
