it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
