i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Randomize
