Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
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