Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
