I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
