Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
