dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Randomize
