You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
