Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize