im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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