Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Ketchup is God's man juice
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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