Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize