There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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