i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
