Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
