when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
