Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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