i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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