I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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