Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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