The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
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