Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
