I met the friendliest cop last night
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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