i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize