Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Randomize
