I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
