i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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